Velveeta Slices - Is It Cheese?

Famous for its alleged ability to melt into a smooth consistency and for its affordability, Velveeta has a long history that started back in 1918, back when it was made with real cheese and cheese byproducts.

The full story starts even earlier, though. In the late 1800s, the Monroe Cheese Company hired a young Swiss cheesemaker named Emil Frey, who eventually created the now-famous stinky but tasty Liederkrantz cheese. As a side project and in an effort to prevent further waste in the company that focused on Swiss-style cheeses, Frey experimented with broken pieces of cheese that he took home and mixed with various ingredients. After two years, he created a recipe for a “velvety smooth” product that would eventually be known as Velveeta. 

Anyone who has seen the series Chef’s Table might remember the inspiring Cacio e Pepe episode featuring Italian chef Massimo Bottura. In the series, the chef recounts the story of his experience after an earthquake struck Emilia-Romagna and damaged many wheels of Parmesan that had fallen from their aging shelves. Bottura created a recipe for risotto, Cacio e pepe, and people from around the world purchased the Parmesan wheels, saving the local economy in the process. 

Parmesan wheels on aging shelves

Velveeta is nowhere near as renowned or respected as Parmesan, but, as you can see, the history behind the rubbery orange paste is rather heartwarming. Frey was simply trying to prevent waste, and that is a good thing. His efforts to use the misshapen Swiss cheese bits that would have otherwise been tossed out resulted in a unique item that ultimately produced a profit, so much so that Velveeta eventually became a separate company. 

Enter Kraft. I feel like there should be ominous music playing when you read that line. In 1927, a year after the Monroe Cheese Company closed, Kraft, which doesn't have a stellar reputation when it comes to many issues — from mislabelling errors, to fraud, to allegations of misconduct — stepped in and made a deal. After the purchase of the Velveeta company, things seemed to go smoothly for a few years, even after the product itself was turned into a cheese spread in the late 1950s; however, in 2002, the FDA stepped in and chastized the company for incorrectly labeling Velveeta as a pasteurized processed cheese spread instead of what it really is...something else.  

To answer the question, "Is it cheese?" No, Velveeta is not an actual cheese or a real cheese product. Contrary to rumors, it's also not made of plastic, though it looks unnatural, and it wobbles and squeaks between your teeth as if it could be. It is classified as a cheese product, a term not exactly accepted or defined by the FDA, but who really pays all that much attention? 

Velveeta Slices

I ended up purchasing the singles because my local supermarket was out of the reasonable but still large-sized blocks. I wasn't about to purchase a two-pound rectangle of something I feared I wouldn't like. 

I have to say that when I took my first bite after psyching myself up, I couldn't help but think it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn't good, but it wasn't terrible, at least not at first. I can't say it's appealing, but I wasn't terribly turned off initially and had to question, "Is it good? Is it bad? Is it something in between?" 

Initially, the aroma and look reminded me of an anemic American cheese slice. When I attempted to melt it on toast, like my sister and I used to do with American cheese when we were young, the square just sat there in defiance, holding its shape, refusing to bubble, and resisting melting under the hot, hot heat of the broiler. The toast burned, but the slice appeared to be flame-resistant. I used a knife to spread it, and the texture looked odd, grainy almost. 

Velveeta on a plate

Apparently, if you mix it with other items and stir it well after melting, it becomes smooth, so I also tried some Velveeta mixed with salsa and microwaved it for a quick Salsa con queso dip. None of what I ate was very good, but, again, it wasn't terrible. Or was it? I was really struggling with this one. 

Hide Velveeta in dips and sauces

The flavor is very mild. There is a very slight tang, and it's milky. It tries to be cheddar-like but falls very short. Any notes of the Swiss cheese that used to be its foundation are lacking. It is creamy. I'll give it that. The finish is problematic. No matter how I tried it, the lingering aftertaste was simply blah. 

Unfortunately, my stomach didn't like what Velveeta did to it. After sampling four slices in total, my body said, "Enough!" and I had to stop my experiment due to tummy rumblings that lingered into the following day. 

I ended up throwing the remaining package away. I couldn't bring myself to inflict this mix of oils, preservatives, and milk products onto anyone else, so into the trash it went. Sadly, what started out so many years ago as something meant to prevent waste led to eventual waste in my home. I definitely won't be buying that again!

For those brave souls who are interested in giving Velveeta a try, my suggestion is to hide it. Cook it with chili or add it together with real cheese in a Mac and Cheese dish. Some of the recipes Kraft suggests for dips, pasta sauces, and Nachos sound tasty, but I'd be sure to compensate with enough real cheese to mask any possible negative effects of Velveeta, from odd flavors to internal disruptions. Avoid using this wannabe cheese on cheese boards at all costs. Your family and guests will thank you. I feel sorry for the kid whose parent makes cheese sandwiches out of this hideous creation. 

As far as beverages that go well with Velveeta, the more alcohol the better. Beer seems the most logical choice. Is Snake Venom Beer too much? I'm not sure. A pilsner or lager would suffice, but if your stomach can tolerate it, try serving whatever mess you create with Velveeta with the cheapest wine you can find, Sutter Home Pinot Grigio, for example. If you're really trying to elevate the trailer trash of cheeses...I mean cheese products, you could try serving your Velveeta dish with unoaked chardonnay, Riesling, Pinot Noir, or a Rosé. Then again, it would probably go just as well with a Dr. Pepper or something authentic, like a glass of milk. 

You have been warned. 

Dr Pepper